Last week, in Part 1, I covered sensory-friendly clothing and deodorant options for our sensitive kiddos. This week, let’s look at supporting sensitivity to sound.
Those of us who are sensitive or distracted by sound know it can make regular activities more taxing or stressful, and sometimes painful. Ironically, a child could be really sensitive to the sound of someone chewing, and yet at times be very loud themselves. It isn’t intentional, and it also doesn’t prove that the sound-sensitivity is contrived or exaggerated. The other thing that can happen is that a child is dealing with all the typical cacophony of sound all day, but at some point have hit their limit and need a sensory break. So, while they were ok with the level and type of sound previously, at this moment they can’t manage it. The fact that they could in other situations doesn’t mean that they can right now and are just being obstinate. Their invisible bucket of tolerance is full and if their need is not supported, it is going to spill over. The sound overwhelm can contribute to anxiety, and make processing information difficult. For instance, if someone is deeply engrossed in their work, suddenly the noises of a sibling could pull them out of the flow and then it takes a few minutes to return. This can be compounded in school situations with crowded, loud cafeterias, classrooms full of wiggling, fidgeting kids, the screams of children at recess, and so on.
My husband and I are both musicians and we listen to a lot of music. With our first baby, we quickly discovered that he was happy and content with some music, but certain tones and specific songs immediately made him cry every time he heard it. Oops! Once we had that figured out, we could avoid the songs that made him scream in agony. I tried not to take it too personally that one of the “cry songs” featured me on violin. Ha!
In psychologist Dr. Ross Greene’s book, The Explosive Child, Dr. Greene explains that children do well if they can. When they can’t, their behavior is a sign of an unmet need or lagging skill. Over time, we can follow and track the pattern of behavior to help us understand the unmet need. For instance, one of my children used to melt down after a concert or theatrical performance. He was so well-behaved and he wanted to be there. However, then we would be suddenly surprised when he broke down. Over time we figured out the pattern. The events were very taxing on him with all of the sensory input and crowds. At some point his bucket of tolerance was full and then it would overflow. Now that we understood, we could take steps to meet his need. This looked like giving him headphones or earplugs as soon as the event ended. Also, trying to leave immediately as soon as the event ended. It is not a time to linger and talk to friends in the crowd. If that was not possible and we got stuck in a crowd, it was a completely appropriate time to let him borrow my phone to play chess. This with the earplugs allowed him to tune out from the overwhelm. You can see how understanding this framework informs how we approach and react to his behavior.
Allow for sensory breaks from sound. This can be put into a 504 or IEP. For a younger child who needs some help advocating, the accommodation wording could suggest the teacher send the child on an errand when it is evident they could use a sensory break. Taking a walk to the office or library gives the child a minute to get away from the classroom noise and reset. Another accommodation can be the use of noise-canceling headphones or earbuds in the classroom. The problem with headphones can arise when the child doesn’t want to be perceived as needing something different from their classmates. In that situation, earbuds are more discreet. I LOVE my Loops. They are like sunglasses for my ears. With sizes as small as xxs, they were for little ears. The downside is that my kids tend to lose them.
At school, the cafeteria for lunch or assemblies can be a really loud and stressful environment. The child may need to be allowed to bring earbuds/headphones to lunch.Sometimes that is not enough. Permission to go for a drink of water from the water fountain would be a helpful escape. Even if a teacher gives permission for these accommodations, get them written into the 504/IEP document. You don’t want to depend on one person, and then when there is a staffing change or a substitute teacher your child’s needs are not met. The legal document will follow them from one grade to the next, and then to a different public school. Eventually, a 504 can be used to help advocate with the department of disabilities for appropriate college accommodations. One summer, I helped run activities at youth camps as part of a scholarship requirement. I remember at one camp, a teen was obviously distressed by the loud music getting pumped through the outdoor speakers. It took some convincing to get anyone in charge to do something about it. He didn’t need much, just turn the music down a little. Unfortunately, sometimes our kids and teens may find themselves in a situation where leadership doesn’t listen and parents are not present. That 504 document can help them have a voice. I know camps are not required to follow it, but a legal document is an excellent starting point for advocating and proving a need. Try to foresee possible issues and educate camps and programs in advance. Over time, we may also get a sense of programs and work places that are more inclusive and a better fit, and others where even small needs are routinely ignored.
Outside of school- putting a pair of earbuds on your keychain and bringing noise canceling headphones to potentially loud events can make a huge difference. You may also want to think about where you sit in proximity to the source of the loud sound. These events could be scouting events, swim team meets, parades, fireworks, VR centers, arcades, bowling allies, county fairs, karaoke, holiday parties, large concerts, event restaurants when the live music is too loud. Our previous church was too loud; there was no getting around it. I would literally cover my ears with my hands and wonder how other people were walking completely unaffected. Our current church is smaller. It is not as problematic, but I do strategically sit as far from amplifiers as possible, and I wear the earplugs during live music. I mentioned arcades. Within Dr. Ross Greene’s framework, it took me years to realize that arcades have a physical, visceral impact on my body. I could remember increasing irritability, anxiety and feeling tired and worn out after being in arcades with the kids. Years later I discovered it is not just that I’m a grumpy mommy. This is my very real and consistent response to arcades. Now I know! I need those earplugs. It also helps if I take the sensory breaks and step outdoors for a moment. Arcades are also a visual overload for me, and I’ll address visual needs further in Sensory: Part 4.
Since we are a household of musicians, another problem that can come up is practicing instruments in a household where a child is feeling overwhelmed or triggered by the repetitive sound. One problem is that the sound of an instrument can really carry. You can’t hide from it. If someone is practicing an electric instrument, then they can plug in and wear headphones, or turn down the volume. I don’t want the student to need to do this all the time, but many instruments have some way to be muted. My violin has a smaller mute and also a heavier “practice” mute. Instead of a full resonating drum, a lot of practice can be done on a practice pad. Give the sensitive kid a heads up before practice starts so they can take a walk, put on headphones and read in the backyard, or at least just be prepared for the introduction of new sound into the room. There is no perfect answer as the musician needs to be able to practice frequently, and needs to be able to hear the full sound of their instrument at least for some of that time, but look for compromises on both sides and keep open communication. Give the kiddo with hearing sensitivity options: “while your sister practices, do you want to watch a movie or swing in the backyard, or are you fine with your earbuds?” If you have a new baby that has its moments of screaming, as babies can do at times, think about white noise. Give your child options. Acknowledge this is a hard moment- that allows your child to be seen and heard, which helps a lot.
Sound sensitivity in public restrooms. It can be really frightening and stressful for kids when toilets in public restrooms have a sensor and auto-flush. They may be scared to use the toilet for fear that the toilet will flush. Take a long piece of toilet paper and dangle it over the sensor. Ta-da! It will not flush until you remove the toilet paper, and your child can potty without fear. Typically, I would have the child leave the stall and then remove the paper. Due to loud hand dryers, public restrooms are a great place to wear earbuds or headphones. Feel free to talk through and narrate or warn a child about the loud sounds. When I see someone getting ready to use the hand dryer I might give my kid a heads up so they cover their ears.
We need to normalize the needs of the highly sensitive. It is ok to have needs. You and your kids are not “too much.” I keep earplugs in my purse for me and my kids. My 15-year-old will wear headphones at the bowling alley. We step out of parties for sensory breaks. We say “no thanks” if an event is beyond our bandwidth. I don’t mean that we can’t make effort or work to build some tolerance when it is in your best interest to do so, but something has gotta give on the other side. Your family’s needs matter. Don’t be afraid to normalize making you and your children comfortable. We need to unlearn the idea that it is always the responsibility of the neurodiverse person to mask and ignore their needs in order to make other people happy, comfortable and at ease. I say that and I still end up doing it. But, I’m trying to change that by speaking up, self advocating and teaching my kids to do the same. One of the best way we can teach our kids is by modeling our own self-care and advocacy.
Resources! I’m covering accommodations and filters. I’m not going to cover therapies for auditory processing disorder.
- Loops earplugs . This is my personal go-to. The “Dream” earplugs help me sleep, and I wear the “Engage” earplugs when I need to bring down the volume a notch during the day. With the engage, you can still hear what is going on, it is all just lessened.
- Flare Audio Calmer earplugs. This is a recommendation from other families.
- Vibe earplugs. Rec from other families.
- White noise: I just ordered a white noise machine and will update with my thoughts. In the past we have used white noise on the iPhone/iPad, but it loops and that creates a break in the sound, which can be distracting.
- Bose noise-canceling headphones. These are the noise-canceling headphones my son and husband use. They are super comfy so you don’t get sore ears, and do a great job. That is reflected in the price, though. They might be pricey for you to send to school with an “absent-minded professor” kiddo. But, we love them.
- Anker noise-canceling Headphones. We have not used these, but they have been mentioned by families as being a good option, so I am considering them the budget-friendly, safe to take to school option.
- Cabela’s molded earplugs. Intended to protect hearing while using firearms, these molding earplugs were recommended by a family as working well for their son.
- Mack’s silicon ear putty. The name says it all.
- Putty Buddies. Intended for waterproofing kid’s ears while swimming, but can be a comfortable way to reduce noise.
- Sleep Eye Mask. Sounds like a strange suggestion for helping with ears, but families report it helps dampen sound as well, making it a potential winner for quiet during sleep hours.
- Don’t forget to have sound-sensitivity accommodations put in a child’s 504 or IEP! Examples would be: The child is allowed to take a walk outside for a sensory break. Access to headphones and/or earbuds. Child may need special support instructions written-in for group assemblies, crowds and field trips. For instance, child can read a book in the library if the assembly is too loud, and have a trusted adult they can ask for help if the field trip is too loud and overwhelming. For an older student (middle school/high school) they may need an accommodation to be allowed to eat in a place away from the cafeteria. It is just too loud, and this can be depleting.
- The Able Kids Foundation. Located in Colorado, the AKF will screen for auditory processing issues and sensitivities, and can then create custom ear filters to support the individual’s needs. Our family is headed there this summer, so maybe I can update after that.
*Note: my understanding from specialists is that you want to make sure not to use earplugs or headphones ALL the time, or you can start feeling more sensitive when you don’t use them. Use them for the noisy times, especially anxious times, etc, but make sure you allow your ears time to breathe, too.*
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