If you find your child getting stuck in a rut with music practice, know you are not alone. A consistent practice routine can be hard. It tends to be slow to show results (compared to other tasks kids do) and takes many repetitions and commitment. It also involves making mistakes and allowing yourself to embrace the mistakes and then make little changes and shifts to improve. Our brains don’t typically enjoy making mistakes. Sometimes children love the idea of playing the instrument, but getting started with practice and following through daily is difficult. While the music practice rut can be challenging for plenty of kids, learning differences such as ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety or PDA can definitely amplify the struggle. Keep in mind, sometimes these are present but undiagnosed. Let’s jump in with some ideas to help your child push through when they feel stuck.
Join in. It can be helpful for a parent to join them in learning an instrument. Consider if you may like to take lessons alongside your child. Or, if you already play, take some time to practice while your child is home. Not only are you modeling what it takes to learn an instrument, but the synergy or mood you are creating with your music may draw them in. It’s also really fun to play music together! An older sibling or another adult could participate in creating music, and you could look for opportunities for your child to make music with peers. Regarding siblings there is one thing to keep on your radar that can actually be a stumbling block to practice. If the siblings are learning the same instrument and one sibling is moving at a faster pace than the other, this can create problems. The comparison and feelings of inadequacy can sneak in for the child who is not progressing as quickly. Sometimes this can completely derail a kid from their practice momentum. If there is this kind of dynamic in your family, putting the kids on different instruments where it is not an apples-to-apples comparison can be beneficial.
Strewing can help, as well. This is where you set things out as a visual cue, without making requests or demands. Pull the instrument out (if it is small, like a violin) and set it in view, on the dining room table along with the child’s sheet music. For the piano, open the keylid and put out a sheet of fun music to play. If you are able, casually play through the piece and then walk away, leaving the notes lingering in the air. Maybe they will hop over now, or perhaps later in the day. Note that this was a nonverbal, open invitation to play, with no pressure or demands placed on your child. Declarative language can kind of go under the “strewing” umbrella. This is where you verbally suggest practicing, but do it in a non-demanding way. For declarative language ideas, here is a cheat sheet.
Consider the best time of day for your child. This can take some observation of your child over time. When are they at their best for doing difficult tasks? In the morning before school? In the late afternoon, after a chance to decompress and have a snack? After dinner? If your child takes an ADHD stimulant, they may be at their best for practice while it is still in their system.
Be an audience member. It can feel lovely to have someone listen to you play. Additionally, you will be offering the accommodation of body doubling. This is where just by being present, you can help empower your child to do something hard. You could fold laundry or type on your computer, but sit in the room and enjoy the music. Specifically for body doubling, try not to criticize and point out mistakes. If you do have a suggestion, be sure to sandwich it with positive affirmation. Allow them to enjoy your presence as they make music for you and themselves. Be a fan, not a critic. Separate from body doubling, there are times when you may have an active role in working with your young child during practice at home. In that case you’ll be more involved, but keep in mind that nonverbal communication may feel less discouraging or disruptive. (For instance, instead of saying, “fix your hand position,” you could let the child know every time you see the correct hand position by adding a monkey to a chain link. (See the pic below.) You never knew a barrel of monkeys toy would come in handy. Let your child create a monkey chain dangling from their music stand. A monkey chain is nice because it allows your child to see evidence of their progress, but it isn’t actually an extrinsic reward for doing the practice. Research shows that when we give extrinsic rewards, it lowers the child’s intrinsic motivation around the task. So in a sense, it devalues the practice and places the value on the reward.
There are nonverbal ways you can help set a calm, non-threatening tone for your child. If you are sitting with your body lower than their body, it can signal safety. (For instance, they are standing and you are sitting, or they are sitting in a regular chair and you are sitting a bit lower, on the sofa, or sitting on the floor.) For some children, when they are attempting to do something very difficult, the eye contact feels engaging and can feel like pressure. Thank of the eye contact as putting a stage spotlight on your child, or a laser beam. This is especially true if the kiddo struggles with anxiety, perfectionism feels stress from demands placed on them. But even if this doesn’t describe your child, these are ideas you can experiment with to see what helps.
Learn about the Wall of Awful (the video below) that your child faces to get started with practice. Starting is the hardest part. This is part of why being a fan and not a critic helps, when your child is feeling sensitive about all the “bricks” in their wall and attempting to climb the wall. It is a great time to support and not push or criticize.
Curate the Environment. Think about what small details can make the environment more conducive to music practice. Perhaps there is a time of day when you ask all tech to be off, and that creates a nice window of time where siblings are not distracting your child from their music practice with a game of Fortnite in the background. Comfy slippers, a hot cocoa. What makes a lovely and welcoming environment? With a portable instrument on a nice day, consider practicing outside in the shade or even at a park.
Help your child set goals, and create baby steps to reach them. The more your child is involved in this process, the more they will own it. Perhaps little goals could be a plan to play a piece for the grandparents when they visit next month. Or, create a monthly mini recital for the family, with cookies and juice. Help them make the baby steps small and attainable so they don’t get stuck in overwhelm. A yearly formal recital is nice, but kids need goals that are not so far out, as well. When a child feels stuck, remind them that 5 minutes of practice would be great. Maybe they play 5 minutes now, and then play more later in the day. Whatever it takes to get through the initial Wall of Awful, so they can find their flow and enjoy music. We want more practice, but playing a short amount is significantly better than not playing at all.
Identify and support weak interoception skills. Interoception would be your child’s ability to notice and respond to internal cues about their body, such as hunger, thirst, aches and restroom needs. Some kids struggle with this. I’ll add here, as a music teacher, it is very common for young children to get started playing music in their violin lesson and then suddenly need to run to the restroom. It is often a light switch where they realize they “gotta go!”. Don’t look at this as their excuse to get out of playing. My take is that children will need to “go,” but they are ignoring the internal cue, keeping it on the “back burner” of their mind and allowing it to going unnoticed as they multitask. When they start playing music that requires a higher level of concentration and focus for the task, the restroom need comes to the forefront of their mind and become more urgent. I believe they shift to a level of focus where they don’t have bandwidth to also keep a restroom need on the back burner. Suddenly they realize they can’t “hold it” any longer and run to the restroom. Give grace for this. Learning to consistently pick up on interception cues can take time. This is especially true for children with ADHD. The good news is once they’ve gone to the restroom, they’ll be better able to focus on practice. If there is any chance your child struggles with chronic constipation, this can overshadow or dull their interoception cues. (Think of it as a constant general discomfort that is eclipsing other body signals.)That being said, it is difficult to practice if your interception needs are not met. Is your child hungry? thirsty? tired? achy? needing a restroom break? Are they aware of these things or do they need gentle reminders in advance, so their internal body needs are met while they practice?
Collaborate with child and teacher to select interest-based music. Does your child love film or video game theme songs? Or, fiddle music? It really helps if your child enjoys the music. That doesn’t mean they have to love every assignment, but it is very motivating to play music you love. If the theme song to Super Mario Brothers is too complex, could the teacher change it to a more accessible key and create a simplified version for now?
Do YOUR homework. After a particularly difficult or wonderful practice, take some notes. What went well? What didn’t go well? What was different about today that may have contributed to the success or struggle? Time of day? Was your child hungry? Tired? Was their energy or self-esteem on low? Did they feel especially motivated by a piece of music? When things go badly, try to observe with curiosity rather than reactivity. What could be tweaked or maintained for next time? If you continue to record observations, it will help you see a pattern and understand what works well for your child and what doesn’t. If this idea sounds especially helpful to you, check out psychologist Dr. Ross Greene’s book, The Explosive Child, to learn more.
I’m hoping something I shared helps you! Remember, it is fine to cast aside the aspects that don’t apply to your child’s situation, and hold onto the piece that resonates.
Warmly, Christina
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