When Your Child Hates School

If you are going through this, please know it is one of the hardest and saddest experiences. I feel this one deeply for you. Sometimes when our children suffer, it strikes a deep chord in our hearts due to a similarity in our own childhood experiences. For instance, if school was at some point hurtful to you, then you may feel a sharper pain in this situation. Have grace and compassion for yourself. Self care is vital. If you feel especially reactive, consider grounding yourself in the present in some way. This could be through talking to a therapist, or trying a Calm app meditation. Another grounding trick: Wherever you are, think of 5 things in this moment you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. This is a quick way to help be more present when emotions want to sweep you away. Now, you are a little more ready to lean in with curiosity and compassion to your child’s suffering, rather than responding with emotional reactivity. Also, know alongside all of the hard, you’ve got this. You are in a difficult season, and seasons shift. You can help bring about a shift. This moment is not forever. Let’s do this.

Believe your child. The first thing I want to address is that our initial response may be, “How do I make my kid go to school and participate?” But, school is not always okay. The idea that every child will have their needs met at school is not completely accurate. Many kids but not all, have their needs met at school. School is designed for certain kinds of learning profiles. If your child is an outlier who doesn’t fit that mold and they are very unhappy, it is possible that school isn’t currently a healthy, right-fit for them. Listen to your child. Hear what they are telling you.

Find the source of the problem. I often bring up Psychologist Dr. Ross Greene’s premise that children do well if they can. Behavior is communication of an unmet need or lagging skill. We can follow the pattern of behavior to find the root of the need. His book, The Explosive Child, is one of the most important ones you could read right now, if you haven’t read it yet.

Let’s find the unmet need. When a classroom has 25 children, it is challenging for the teacher to meet all of the needs of every child. They generally teach to the middle. Children who are not meeting grade level benchmarks tend to be identified. But, kids with unmet needs who hover under the radar of identification are the ones where we may see unhappiness and behavioral communication emerge. Take just dyslexia- it has been established that 15-20% of the population is dyslexic. It is unlikely that 4-6 children in your child’s class have been flagged or diagnosed with dyslexia. Dyslexics tend to be bright, problem-solving, outside-the-box thinkers. So, their needs often go unidentified as they compensate with other skills. The book, Fish in a Tree, by L. M. Hunt portrays a family-friendly narrative of unidentified dyslexia. What about ADHD and autism? For both, the diagnostic standards, research and assumptions of identification were developed based on the presentation in average males. If you have a daughter, a child with a more complex presentation, a child who is bright or gifted, or any combination of these, it is very likely their needs are going unidentified. Anxiety as well can look like inattention or disinterest. Sensory sensitivities can be a huge component to whether a child is able to thrive in the classroom. Fluorescent lighting alone is enough to make a classroom completely inaccessible to some children, but they won’t be able to articulate that. The child won’t know the fluorescent lighting is causing headaches, anxiety, irritability and distraction. I’m 44 and just figuring this out. That doesn’t even acknowledge auditory and smell sensitivities. Even with no disabilities, children whose intelligence falls outside of average can struggle in a standard classroom. Educators are not always aware that gifted children are at risk for anxiety and depression, and need the right support to thrive.

Keep a strengths-based approach. One more thought as we bring up IEPs. It is easy to get sucked into a vortex of your child’s deficits along with the interventions and goals required to shore up those deficits. I’ve been there and am speaking first-hand. Keep in mind that your child’s strengths and interests are paramount. Their passions need to always stay at the forefront. Protect their interests; invest and devote resources to your child’s strengths. This is where your child thrives. These passions will keep the light in their eyes and help them get through hard things. If their only interest is video games, then start there. Play video games with them. We can unwittingly squash what they love in our pursuit of supporting deficits.

You will need to speak up for your child. One mistake I can fall into is worrying about being perceived as a “helicopter parent.” If you suspect disabilities, need supports, or accommodations, you can request a 504/IEP and evaluation. You also have the option to seek out private evaluation. Private evaluation tends to be more thorough, but will also cost you money. The school may still want to do their own evaluation in addition to the private eval, before granting an IEP. I discuss how to request evaluation from a U.S. public school district and pursue a 504/IEP in this blog: Requesting a Public School Evaluation. If you already have an IEP or 504, but it is not being followed or is not meeting your child’s needs, it may be time for adjustments. Don’t just verbally ask for help. If you need help, please read this blog to understand the legal protocols to ensure the right support is put in place for your child. When you verbally make your request to a teacher, there are several holes that our family and others have experienced: 1. The request is not legally documented. 2. The teacher may be well-meaning but not have accurate information around the process and support options legally available to your child. 3. There is no further accountability to keep your request in moving forward. Debbie Reber’s Tilt Parenting Podcast‘s episode #318 covering the IEP process with OT Beth Liesenfeld may be helpful.

Bring in advisors. If you are unsure of what to do next, it might be time to consult with a knowledgable psychologist and/or educational advocate. If you have no idea who to talk to, we have found consulting with the team at Summit Center in California to be very helpful. For a parent consult, you can be located anywhere as there is no licensing requirement. I’ve put more information about finding an educational advocate in the U.S. here: Finding an Educational Advocate.

There are many ways to make education accessible for your child. For some families, the best option may be looking into alternative schooling. I know this is not possible for everyone and can feel like a huge decision. This could look like a different school in the same district, a public charter school, a private school, utilizing a homebound program through your district, or homeschooling. We are currently homeschooling. Changing schools is a big decision. It’s another area where advisors may help you make an informed decision. In the Bay Area, Summit Center offers private school placement advising. I have also used three different specialists for homeschooling consultation: Kimberly Greenhouse, Jamie Heston and Dr. Melanie Hayes. Each of them offer valued expertise and a unique perspective. They are all highly qualified. Dr. Hayes would be specialized for twice exceptional families, and families with school trauma. She can also give specialized advice around unschooling and making radical changes in order for a differently wired child to thrive.

Give yourself grace. Sometimes things have to get bad before we really understand that we need to advocate, fight or switch schools. Remember that we are all doing the best we can. Once you know better, you do better. Give yourself grace if your child when through a season where their needs were not met. Children are very resilient. If a child does go through a traumatic school situation, they may need some time to decompress or heal before they are ready to attempt new or challenging things. Give them that time. Keep in mind trauma can be acute (think- a punch in the face) or it can be small things over time. A “death by a thousand cuts” kind of trauma. A good rule of thumb is to allow your child one month to decompress for every year they were in an unhappy school situation. Decompressing might look like an unschooling homeschool approach. Therapy for you and your child can also be very helpful. If this situation resonates with your family, you might appreciate Jonathan Mooney’s book, Normal Sucks. Mooney went through a terrible school situation and did not learn to read until age 12. Yet, he later graduated with an honors English degree at Brown and is a sought-after author and neurodiversity advocate. A longer read, I found Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman’s book, Ungifted, very helpful and affirming as well.

You and your child are amazing. I’m wishing you the very best on your journey. You are not stuck. You’ve got this.

Christina