Formal Gatherings with Quirky Kids

Holiday gatherings. Parties that go past bed time. Formal meals, small talk, dress clothes, specialty foods. Sitting still while grown-ups talk. Special events with kids can be tricky to navigate. One thing to remember is that your family isn’t obligated to meet the expectations and approval of everyone else. I 100% realize that’s an “easier said than done” statement. I’m forever a work in progress on letting go of what people think. If you want to delve more into process, please check out my blog post, Navigate Blame and Set Boundaries.

Let’s think about some ways to alleviate the stress that arises when managing kids at formal gatherings. The more you can prepare and plan ahead, the better.

Sensory accommodations

• If you have a sound-sensitive kid, could you bring noise cancelling headphones? (Check out my sound sensory blog for options.) Could you plan for a spot where they are able to retreat from the noise for a bit? You could slip out to take a walk or just sit in the car with your kid for a short sound break.
• Plan ahead with clothing. Try everything on in advance. Fancy, itchy clothes with scratchy seams and stiff shoes, can contribute to meltdowns and anxiety. Consider prioritizing comfort for your child by wearing soft clothes and shoes that were previously broken in. I have more suggestions here on how to make dress clothes work for sensory-sensitive kids.
• Food! There can be so much expectation from others about what your child should eat at Thanksgiving and other holiday meals. Try to hold space for your child’s needs and formulate a plan that will work. I realize there are meals where the only palatable food for your child’s significant sensory sensitivities on the table are the rolls. Could you bring a couple of sides to contribute to the feast that also work for your child? Another possibility is to feed your child beforehand. While it may feel awkward if your kids don’t want to politely try all the food offered, remember that they are already being required to tolerate a ton of sensory input and people just by being present at this event. They only have so much tolerance for new and difficult things before they’ve hit their limit. Perhaps this is an area for compromises and safe foods, without guilt. Plan it out ahead of time.

Introverts and Crowds. Okay, I’m an adult and this one can be hard for me. So, surely it can be challenging for kids. If your child is very introverted or anxious around people, look for ways to support their need.

• Book-end the social event with quiet, downtime. Drop other demands or activities to give your child more space and margin. For instance, don’t bring them to the party straight from another event. Don’t push on them about homework, cleaning their room, or other pressures the same afternoon of a crowded event.
• Arrive a little late or leave early to limit the amount of stress exposure. If there are two parents, coordinate for one to leave with the kiddo early while the other parent stays longer to represent the family.
• The same plan of taking a walk, break in the car or escape spot I mentioned for sound sensitivity can help with crowd tolerance, too.
• Children don’t always have the same autonomy as adults. If YOU feel really uncomfortable, you are able to find an excuse to step away from a crowd for a moment. But kids are often expected to stick it out. Try to give them access to advocate for themselves if they need slip out for a break.

Sitting Still. What are reasonable expectations for your child? How can you scaffold and support to make success more likely? What can you do to keep the expectation doable for your child? You know your child’s limitations, and we know that the pressures of a party are already harder than when a child is comfortable in their own home.

• Plan a bag of quiet items for your kid, such as scratch art paper, a pop-it fidget, a Calvin & Hobbes comic book and a container of plus-plus. You get the idea, but with all of these examples I’m trying to avoid mess: bouncy balls roll away, markers could stain the sofa, silly putty will absolutely get stuck melded to the rug.
• Give kiddo a job so they don’t have to sit still. I loved being the helper as a kid, and still find this role comfortable as an adult. Could they pass out programs at the recital? Place napkins around the dining table? Create paper decorations for the mantle?
• If the duration of the event is simply too long, can you chunk it up like we have talked about?
• There may be a point when it’s time to break out a small handheld game device. No judgment here! I promise. Let the haters hate. An actual game device for a youngster can be better than an iPad, so that it needs less supervision from you. Make sure to put it on silent mode. If you do hand out an iPad, be aware if there are other kids there, they might use it to play a game or show that isn’t appropriate for your child.
• Try audio books, music or white noise with headphones!

Stimming. If you’re not familiar with that word, stimming is a repetitive movement that allows a person to self-regulate. Some examples could be hand flapping, humming, rocking, chewing or nibbling on fingernails, etc. It isn’t always what is considered desirable behavior for outsiders looking in at your child. But in a chaotic, loud or new environment, a child may especially need to stim to self-regulate and feel calm and safe. Imagine if a child is especially anxious and you take away their tool for coping. If stimming is particularly distracting, maybe this is the perfect time for you to take one of those quick breaks (take a walk or break in the car.)

“Tap in” for each other. If you have a child who requires a significant amount of your attention at a party, could you trade off with a partner or trusted friend? This will give you time to relax or be included in the conversation. Be aware that sometimes outsiders may think you are being a “helicopter parent” because you are supervising your child while the other parents are relaxed and talking. This is another opportunity to embrace what you know to be true: you are the expert on your child. You don’t need the approval of all the outsiders looking in.

Ask for help, and keep eyes out for how you can support others, too. People don’t always know what you need, but may be willing to help if they knew. I asked the parents at a park meetup if we could shift our hangout spot 20 feet over. Easy peasy, but the simple shift allowed one mom who needed to stay quite close to her child on the playground to join in some of the adult conversation.

An important note about struggle. At the beginning I said, “the more you prepare and plan ahead, the better.” But, no amount of planning ahead can guarantee success or approval. If your child totally splatters with an epic meltdown, you are in good company. Welcome to the club! Hold plenty of compassion for yourself. I promise, you are amazing and your child’s behavior is not evidence to the contrary. You’ve got this!