When something, anything is different- from what you are wearing to how your child is behaving- it can invite questions and unsolicited observations from outsiders. For whatever reason, people tend to deride what they don’t understand. Difference invites discomfort; it’s not your job to put them at ease.
Perhaps at the library during story time, or at a haircut or the grocery store, someone offers a little well-intended criticism about a situation they know nothing about. Or, they might ask a question about something that isn’t really any of their business. First, remember that you always have a right not to share information. Their question doesn’t obligate you to share the information requested. It can be tempting to overshare or “throw your child under the bus” in order to win someone’s approval. This could look like sharing diagnoses in hopes that the person will then understand the situation. Or, it could look like chastising your child to prove to everyone watching that you’re a good parent and the behavioral issue isn’t poor parenting. If you find yourself making these mistakes, first, give yourself loads of grace. This whole parenting thing is hard. You can learn from it and decide what you are willing or unwilling to share in the future. You’ll feel better prepared the next time. Also, if in the moment you discipline your child more or differently than you would have without the presence of criticizing onlookers, it’s more than ok to apologize to your child.
Recently, my teen son encountered a situation while he was leading a D&D (role-playing game) at the local library. It was through a library club and the kids didn’t know each other. My son was new to the group. Here’s the exchange that took place:
Teen randomly asks during the game: Are you autistic?
My son: Why do you ask?
Teen: Because your mouth moves in a certain way and anybody I know who does that is autistic.
My son: Well, many people I look up to are autistic so I’ll take that as a compliment.
*resumes game*
Some things that were great about this: My son didn’t allow this child to invade his boundary by asking personal questions that were irrelevent. The teen asked for personal information he wasn’t entitled to. Also, my son made it clear to the entire group that autistic people are awesome. He then confidently redirected the focus back to the game having deflected an intrusive question, avoided insulting anyone, and doing it all in a way that was affirming towards autistic people.
From my kiddo we learn:
- Know that you have a right not to share, whether the answer is yes or no.
- Be affirming.
- Cut it off, redirect, move on.
Another tip in situations that come up is to look for allies and be an ally to others. Start new conversations that redirect a group.
Another aspect of navigating people who are not honoring boundaries is that sometimes you need to lie. I grew up being taught that you never lie. Black and white. The problem is that we do need to lie when it comes to things like safety and boundaries, and some of our kids are black-and-white thinkers who need to be explicitly explained this.
Let me give you some examples. During the Holocaust, Corrie Ten Boom’s family famously hid Jews to keep them safe. They desperately needed to keep a radio. It was a tool to help them. So, when the Gestapo came to confiscate everyone’s radios and asked Corrie if she had turned in all of the radios, she looked him dead in the eye and said, “yes.” She lied so that she could save lives.
If someone calls and asks your child if they are home alone, it is ok if they say, no. If someone asks your child a personal and inappropriate question and they don’t respond, it can imply the answer is yes and this can be a way to bully the child. Sometimes they may need to deny and protect themselves in that way.
If you want more information and further resources, I also address this topic in my previous blog, Navigate Blame and Set Boundaries.
Warmly,
Christina
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