Do you worry about a child who should be able to wash the dishes, but can’t? Those “shoulds” can be so stressful and discouraging. With neurodivergent and especially 2e children, the timeline for milestones is often unique and asynchronous. We might understand a delayed timeline specific to their disability, such as a delay in speech or reading. But the asynchrony can affect other timelines, too, like tying shoes, riding a bike, making friends, following a list of verbal directions, taking a shower independently or … washing the dishes.
2e quick definition
2e, or twice exceptional. A colloquialism describing a person whose profile hugs both ends of the bell curve: they’re intellectually gifted and also have one or more learning disabilities such as ADHD.
Before we dive into dish-washing, I want to tell you that nothing good ever comes from listening to the “shoulds,” whether they are coming from folks around you or from your own heart. I’m saying this from having gotten caught in the spiral many times. “Your daughter should be washing the dishes by now. You just aren’t consistent. You’re spoiling her.” “That little boy is old enough to tie his own shoes; you shouldn’t be doing that for him at this age.” “He doesn’t remember on his own to take a shower yet?!?!” When the outsiders who aren’t invested in your child and don’t understand offer their unsolicited advice and observations, try not to place value on it. Let the words and criticisms flow through and past you like a river. Don’t let them build up and stagnate in your heart.
I don’t mean we plan for your child to never be able to wash the dishes. Where I freak out internally at times is if I allow a delayed milestone to make me jump to worst-case scenarios: “My child can’t accomplish this task now, so they will never be able to…” or, I’ll allow the judgment of outsiders to negatively influence how I parent. Today is a snapshot in time. It isn’t stuck or frozen. A delayed timeline now doesn’t point to a dark future. Also, a deficit doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. Your unique child has their own timeline, and outsiders looking in, however well-intentioned, often won’t understand that. It’s ok if some people don’t understand. It really isn’t your job to make them understand. Practice holding onto what you know to be true in the face of disapproval. It can help if you find micro-moments to practice, where you experience a tiny hint or perception of disapproval. In that moment, perhaps you could put a hand on your heart and slow your breathing as you hold space for what you know to be true. What does your child need right now?
Washing the Dishes! There are a lot of reasons this can be super tough for sensory-sensitive kids, from the clatter of plates, the smell and sight of old food, cold water, yucky sponges, pruny fingers. First, it’s okay to consider allowing your child to choose a preferred chore over a non-preferred chore. This could look like, “would you rather empty the dishwasher or load it?” If washing dishes is really difficult for them, then they can choose to unload instead. That kind of collaboration is helpful and gives your child a little bit of autonomy and ability to advocate for themselves. On a Tilt Parenting Podcast focused on helping kids work through resistance, executive function coach Seth Perler says the choice gives the kid buy-in.
When it’s time for a sensory sensitive kid to wash the dishes, there are scaffolds to make the task more tolerable.
Sensitivities with taste and smell. I’m covering these together because they can be pretty intertwined. One idea to help with the difficulty of food and sponge odors could be to allow kiddo to get a piece of gum or lozenge candy to suck while they wash dishes. Also, could you light a candle with a pleasant scent or turn on a diffuser with essential oils? Make sure to keep a habit of wringing out the sponge and setting it where it can drain to help with sponge odor. Don’t hesitate to be generous with fresh sponges. Buy in bulk and change out that sponge more often, or change it out specifically when it is the sensitive child’s turn to wash dishes. Let them sniff the options and choose the best dish detergent for their sensitivities.
Sound sensitivities. If the sounds of washing the dishes are difficult, could they wear noise canceling headphones, ear plugs or listen to music? Check out possible options on my Sound Sensory Blog. If sound sensitivities are significant, over time you could consider switching to materials such as bamboo or wood over ceramic and glass, to minimize the loud clanging sounds that can occur.
Tactile struggles. Gloves are a completely reasonable accommodation. They will stop fingers from getting pruny and hands from getting wet. This latex-free glove by LANON has a cotton lining and a size small option. This extra-long glove is lined in a cotton blend and features a drip guard. This is a classic, natural rubber glove option. Suggestion: when your child is finished wearing the gloves, they can pat them dry on a towel before taking them off. Besides gloves, another option my kids appreciate is the sponge-on-a-stick. The handle means you don’t have to directly touch the sponge with your hands. Make sure to keep it loaded with dish detergent to set your child up for success. If cold water is a problem, could you initially scaffold your child by setting the water temp up for them? They can watch you, and another time they can set up the temp to a comfortable warm without your help. The right temperature can be a big help. Give them a dry, clean sponge rather than one that has “old water” in it.
Additional Dish-Washing Life Hacks. Do dishes right away before food particles have a chance to get crusty and old. Could this become a habit? Teach your child how to soak stubborn dishes in hot water with detergent. Then, come back and it will be a lot easier to tackle. Scaffold your child by doing the dishes with them. Then, eventually just stand next to them while they do dishes, or sit on a bar stool nearby while they wash dishes. Just your presence (body-doubling) can help them get through a difficult task. Another possibility is to break this into something smaller that is initially less overwhelming. Could they start out by washing two dishes? And then you finish for them? Could you wash the couple of especially messy dishes and let them do the ones that are less sensory-offensive? Let them get used to the task and build up a tolerance before you require them to wash a whole sink-full of dishes. Also, don’t forget that a child may be able to complete a task one day, and not be able to do it a week later. This isn’t necessarily laziness or manipulation. A lot of it can depend on how depleted their reservoir is that allows them to do hard things. Was it a long day at school? Are they already overstimulated from sensory input? There are some tasks I can’t do at night, when my nervous system is fatigued, but I could be able to do earlier in the morning. So, time of day and what kind of day it has been may affect your child’s ability to complete this preferred task. The Spoon Theory analogy really helps to explain how people with disabilities or chronic illness have a finite amount of energy to use every day. If the child is out of “spoons” when you ask them to wash the dishes, it isn’t going to happen successfully.
When you worry about your child not being able to do the dishes as an adult, try to take a step back from catastrophizing or envisioning worst-case scenarios. There are lots of ways to adult. Incremental steps slowly over time now, where you help your child be successful while still giving voice to their needs is taking the long view. As an adult, they may be fine with washing the dishes. Perhaps they will keep the gloves and other tools they learn with you. Maybe they will find a compromise with a roommate or partner that allows them to do less of the dishwashing and more of the vacuuming. Maybe they will get one of those double dishwashers so they can always put dishes directly into the machine. If they really have an issue with dishes, maybe they’ll use compostable plates more often than is typical. My husband and I bought a house from a man once, who was in his thirties. He was successful and active with volunteering and friends. The oven in the 5-year-old house had never before been used. The fridge was like new. He was in good health. He just didn’t use his kitchen. I’m saying there are multiple options and pathways for adulting.
If you have another dishwashing hack or recommend a certain cleaning glove or sponge, please let me know and I’ll add it.
Photo: This is the sponge-on-a-stick with liquid detergent in the handle. These are the LANON wahoo latex-free gloves with cotton lining in size medium. The three sizes I think are helpful. The smalls will be ideal for children. You can do some trial and error for your child to figure out how fitted or loose they want the gloves to fit. Even with gloves, don’t forget to set the water temp to warm, light a pleasant candle and keep chewing gum readily available as it can help overpower food odor.
PS. This blog post isn’t only about washing the dishes. It’s a template for supporting your child and figuring out a game plan for them to thrive. And, modeling to them what self-advocacy for their needs can look at when they encounter an obstacle in life.
Warmly,
Christina
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