Vacations and travel for neurodivergent families (parents included!) can be such a challenge. Routines get broken, food changes, spaces may be confined, sensory input floods, weather differences. Sleep is harder. But travel can also be awesome, and a little awesome may be worth some risk and struggle. What we want to do is to minimize the struggle.
If you’re not quite ready to travel, that’s your call. It’s okay to decide the struggle may be too great and not worth it, yet. We’re just starting to embark on bigger travel the past couple of years, and I’m writing this because I’m nervous about our next trip. It will be wonderful. But when the kids were younger this would have been too much, and I feel a touch of “old school” anxiety as the trip approaches. It’s the right time for us to do this and I can be brave! It’s okay to be nervous. It’s okay to wait. It’s also okay to start very small. Baby steps. Do what works for your family.
Everyone needs their own space. The airbnb/VRBO system has been quite helpful for us as a family of five. A vacation space where someone is able to shut a door and spend time alone in a room does wonders for allowing our family of sensory-sensitive introverts to recharge. That doesn’t mean everyone must have their own bedroom- I get that may be cost-prohibitive (it is for us!) and may make finding accommodations impossible. You just need a designated space where people can take time alone. Sometimes we’ve offered that kids can retreat to the parents’ room, if the kids’ setup doesn’t offer isolated space. So, our bedroom is a designated safe space where a kid can retreat. When a kid goes to the designated space, everyone is supposed to leave them alone. If you’re in a tight, single room hotel room and there isn’t space to disappear, you might need to get a little creative. Some ideas could be to let a kid take extra time reading in the bathroom, or to turn a closet, with door ajar, into a cozy nook (you could line it with a spare hotel blanket). Another idea would be to use a spare sheet to make a fort attached to whatever chair or desk is in the room. Hair ties or chip bag clips in a pinch can be used to secure the fort blanket in place.
Consider driving instead of flying. Then, you can be in the car space that the kids already find familiar. You can make stops to take a break whenever needed. You’ll have more control over the temperature and noise level. There’s no wrestling car seats in and out of cars or hoping the rental carseat isn’t gross. It may be easier to bring along some of the kids’ toys or extra gear. You’ll get to avoid the stress of airports and car rental lines. If you fly, my past blog on navigating airports with neurodivergent family members might be helpful.
Visual reminders can help a lot, so everyone feels in-the-know and really knows what to expect. Consider creating a binder of the trip with itinerary and printed pics of landmarks or vacation spots. You can even include photos of the hotel room or airbnb off of the website. You could just create something digital, but I think having something you can flip through could also be beneficial. Have reminders of what the weather is likely to be. You can also often pull up video walk-throughs of tours and experiences, including airports terminals and amusement park rides. Kids can watch ahead of time and know exactly what to expect.
Collaborate with your child: what would make the trip better? Bringing your own pillow or weighted blanket? Headphones? Specific snacks from home packed? Not only is the feedback helpful, but when we pull in our kids, they have more buy-in and are more invested.
Think about sensory accommodations. Quality headphones and earplugs, for instance. Here’s a link to my sound sensitivity blog with various possibilities. Keep in mind that your child may seem great, but will be managing all the sensory /changes/information. This can mean the child is great until they aren’t. Surprise meltdown. Or, there’s misunderstanding of verbal instructions because they are flooded with information. This happens to us a lot. Not just the kids. Teens. Me. We’ve had misunderstandings getting on/off rides at amusement parks and getting on/off rainforest zip lines. Take your time, ask for instructions to be repeated, watch to make sure kids are understanding and stay safe given the extra distractions and fatigue. Hold grace for yourself if something goes wrong. When things go wrong, expect outsiders to judge. Just don’t place value on their judgments.
If you are staying with friends or family or spending larger amounts of time with other people, you may find the tips in my blog post, Formal Gatherings with Quirky Kids, helpful. Do consider if it works for your family to stay as guests with other people, or if perhaps you might do well getting a hotel room (if it’s in the budget) so you have a space to decompress. This can be a place where you need to hold a kind but firm boundary if family really wants you to stay with them but it would be better for you to have your own space.
Plan for margin. It’s hard to think of getting to a beautiful place and staying in, but some people need a recovery period before they’re ready to explore. One of my sons needs a day to rest once we arrive. It doesn’t matter if we are in a once-in-a-lifetime place. He needs that rest to be capable of enjoying it. If we plan for that instead of fighting it, the trip goes better and he’s happier. Since there are two parents on most of our trips, we have been able to divide and conquer, so to speak. My husband heads out to the beach with two kids while my son and I relax in the accommodations. Since I’m a sensory-sensitive introvert, it’s actually been good for me, too. Last year in Costa Rica, lying on a lawn chair in the backyard, alone, while my son rested, was one of the most restful and restorative parts of the vacation. Meanwhile, my husband and the other two kids surfed and enjoyed monkey sightings at the beach. Keep the margin idea in mind as well for your return home. If you can plan your trip with some time to collapse and decompress when you are back, that is really helpful. Keep expectations low as kids can be grumpy, tired and emotional as they try to shift back into the regular routine at home.
Tag-teaming (if you have that privilege) can work in other situations, too. Maybe Grandma can head back in from the beach early while a parent continues to surf with another kid. Or, one parent can take a kid to an amusement park while the other kid gets to have a second day at the calm and air-conditioned aquarium.
Manage expectations. “Maybe” is a great word to mentally add to your plans. Maybe we’ll all go on that tour tomorrow morning. Go into the adventure with curiosity to see what will be successful and what won’t work out this time. It’s okay to have some failures. Maybe you can find a way to reframe the failures into experiments. You can learn from what went well and what went badly and calibrate accordingly for next time. Keeping a balance as we aren’t trying to turn it into inauthentic toxic positivity, perhaps you look for the beautiful, the good, the silver lining for the experiencing that didn’t turn out as planned. In our last trip, doing puzzles as a family in the evening was a favorite part of our time together.
Aside from the mentioned sound sensitivities, now is the time to load up your literal toolkit with support options. Kindles, new books, Sudoku, a new-to-them puzzle (we get second-hand puzzles in a buy-nothing neighborhood group) or a hook rug kit for downtime, new audiobooks downloaded, quiet fidgets (again, new to them adds novelty, but my daughter points out tried-and-true is really good, too) play-doh, a stuffy.
An important note about special items- the worst thing is to leave behind a favorite stuffy or pillow at a hotel. Try to avoid this by bringing a “second-favorite,” buying a duplicate for travel, or taking care not to leave it behind. Taking care could mean putting a special pillow into a lime-green pillow case so it’s difficult to miss it when you’re packing. Use a clip to attach the stuffy to the blanket, so it’s difficulty to leave one behind because they are together. Have a specific spot you always place them when packing so it’s easy to be certain and to check that they are packed. Do a final hotel room check that always includes looking for these items, which could be hiding under a bedsheet or on the closet floor. You could even attach a “tile” or other tracker to a beloved item. Worst-case scenario, we’ve on two separate occasions successfully had a hotel recover and ship a beloved stuffy back home to us. That’s why I know how important it is not to leave them behind. Often, I’m sharing with you from what we’ve learned the hard way!!
Make sure clothing is comfy. Break in any new sneakers, sandals and swimwear before the trip. Remove any tags. Wash everything to get the “new clothes” itch out of it.
Be aware that sleep in a new place is hard. Our brains don’t sleep soundly in a new place- it’s our body’s way of trying to keep us safe. Anything you can do to signal safety and replicate sleep at home can help. White noise? Audio book? (The links are to studies backing up my statement, and more info about the science of sleeping away from home.)
Here are some additional blog posts to help with your travel:
- When It’s Not All Fun and Games: Navigating Amusement Parks with Neurodivergent Kids
- Steps to Independence: Teaching Neurodivergent Kids to Navigate Airports
- From Survive to Thrive: Neurodivergent Children and Formal Gatherings
- Sensory Part 2: Sensory to Sound
- Navigate Blame and Set Boundaries
Good luck with your travel!
Warmly,
Christina
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