Have you ever watched other parents in action and felt like it was a whirlwind you just couldn’t replicate? How do they do it? How do they return the texts, plan the events, manage all the drop offs and still volunteer as room parent? How do they do all the things?? I’ve especially felt it in certain moments, like arriving just in time to catch the last 15 minutes of a play date. Or when the phone rang and it was the speech therapist wondering where we were. I totally forgot it was “speech” day. Or that time when I dropped my daughter at kindergarten and the teacher stopped teaching the class, leaving the children on the circle rug to run out into the schoolyard and tell me in no uncertain terms that I couldn’t drop her off late again.
Let’s take a moment to sift through those instances since they are the examples that came to mind. There’s usually more to the story than we might catch at first glance.
At the time when I showed up for the very last 15 minutes of the play date, we were in a new house in a new city. I had a new baby, and my two year old had slept through the night once or twice in his life. The play date also wasn’t scheduled at an ideal time for us. Showing up was me trying really hard to make a connection.
That day we no-showed speech therapy, I forgot to put my smart watch on. I depend upon it to give me reminders for appointments, classes and therapies. I was at that time fielding a Jenga puzzle of appointments and therapies for my kids in addition to homeschooling. My dad was in hospice and I was closely involved in overseeing his care. It was a lot to juggle. I did do a quick problem-solve and switched on the spot to a telehealth zoom speech session. Yay.
The day that the exasperated teacher rushed out to speak to me, from her view it was ridiculous that I couldn’t arrive on time. Certainly, it was disrupting her class. She didn’t have the full snapshot, though. The whole picture was a younger sibling (we learned much later he is twice exceptional and was experiencing selective mutism) being urgently evaluated by the district, doctors, and specialists in other cities. Earlier that same week the district had called me in for a last minute highly-sought after appt when someone no-showed. I was given one hour notice and it affected school drop off. I was carrying the burden that while some of the specialists saw my toddler, others only saw him in measured percentile ranks and deficits. Simultaneously, an older sibling wasn’t having his needs met at school. His giftedness wasn’t being supported and his disabilities were being mistaken for lack of compliance. It wasn’t pretty. His anxiety about going to school was causing school refusal, chronic stomachaches, constipation and lack of sleep. It was nearly impossible to get him out the door for school and he was too young too leave behind. Meanwhile, I was navigating some complex health issues and my own appointments. What the teacher saw was a flimsy mom who didn’t care. Truth is that I was mustering my inner superhuman Hulk strength to show up for each of my children’s needs and to have my daughter at school. One thing I know you might be thinking. Why didn’t I explain that to the teacher? There are different factors but ultimately, have you ever carried on a conversation with someone while they were struggling to keep their head above water? It’s not a time when people are verbally articulate. “Cough, gasp, help! cough.”
I’ve gone through parenting seasons where I’m overwhelmed and it’s taking more concerted effort to show up and be present. Maybe you have, too. Kids with differences, disabilities, and/or giftedness don’t always fit into a simple rhythm. Unless you know that whole picture rather than the quick snapshot, it’s difficult to make comparisons with what other parents are achieving.
Not only are our children characterized by their unique differences, sparks, quirks and gifts, but parents are, too, and we need to hold grace for and honor that as well. One parent might be able to sit through a morning at Chuck-e-Cheese with electronic beeping, cheering of kids, birthday songs, incessant recorded tunes playing, with florescent light bathing everything and everyone in its gaze. For someone else, that’s an invasive sensory explosion.
I like this picture of two doggies to illustrate my point. Let’s pretend they are both about to step into the water. It could be the same water, but it might be up to the knees of one and up to the nose of the other. The same environment affects them differently. When we look at the doggies, we don’t think of their capacity to navigate the water as being a reflection of their work ethic. They have differences that will give them natural strengths and areas of challenge.
Once you are coming from a place of holding grace for your own current capacity, the next step could be to look for what is holding you back. I tend to find that when I can’t accomplish things that are really important to me, there may be something else less important in the way. We can only carry so much. About once a quarter, I create a priorities/triage list. (I love paper lists in my little journals, with amazing felt pens because I care about how the scrape of writing feels. You can customize this routine to your liking!)
Write down EVERYTHING that you are in charge of and need to do. Work. Chores. Maybe your children empty the dishwasher, but you still have to remind them a couple times. That means “reminding kids chores” and that requires effort and brain space. Write it down. Saving tax deduction receipts. Turning in reimbursement requests to medical insurance. Driving to soccer, to the doctor, school pickups. Grocery shopping. Vet trips. Bill paying. Making appts. Picking up dog poop. Bathroom cleaning. Laundry. Family night. Dinner with a friend. Just think about your life and try to list all the things.
On your list, highlight all the things that must happen. Are any of those items something someone else could take on? A partner, grandparent, babysitter, housekeeper/handyman, friend or kid? Now look at the list and try to conjure up your best Marie Kondo vibes. Of the things that do NOT have to happen, which ones don’t spark joy? Are there commitments that you said yes to but aren’t working out well? Use your internal radar and look for the things that garner feelings of yuck, dread, annoyance, resentment. What can you slash through? If something is in the “must-happen” list, sometimes we still need to lean in for a closer look. Am I seeing benefits? Do I feel good about the process? Families with lots of therapies or lots of commitments will find it helpful to dig a little deeper. Listen to your gut. Is this therapy, class, friendship or activity offering me or my child value? Remember, for some things it could mean you are taking a break for now. It doesn’t mean quitting forever. But if you really despise something that’s optional and you’re realizing it doesn’t bring you any joy or value, then yes, cross it out in red pen and be done with it for good.
Hopefully you’re starting to see a little bit of movement: some things that you could hand off to someone else, other things you could postpone, and then the things you can wave, “buh-bye!” to. There’s an in-between I find sometimes, too. There are responsibilities that are NOT bringing me joy, but I can’t just cut them out with one quick snip. Perhaps I need to make a plan- I could let a committee know now that this will be my final semester in a current role, for instance.
Finally! You’ve carved out a little space. Perhaps that is just what you need. But there’s one more list to make. What are the things you WISH you were doing? More time for reading? Practicing an instrument? Giving your daughter ice skating lessons? Coffee with friends? You can use some of that margin you created to ADD something meaningful to you. If you want more on how to “triage” your responsibilities, take a look at my past blog, The Overwhelm of Intervention.
Next, let’s look at some accommodations that may allow us to be more successful.
Prep-prep-prep. Are mornings hard? Shower and sleep in fresh base clothes for the next day. In the morning, pop on the outer layer and you’re good to go. Worried you’ll forget something? Leave it at the front door literally blocking the path out of the house. Backpacks and bags are packed the night before. Shoes are at the door. Leave post-it notes on your bathroom mirror or scribble a reminder with a dry erase marker.
Optimize. Figure out a few winning-ticket meals and serve them every week. Easy to make and everyone eats it! Go for it on repeat. Let kids make dinner once a week and they can make the exact same thing every single time, or have two meals they switch between.
The Village: If you’re a lone island, that is especially hard and I know because I’ve been there. We need carpools. We need someone to notice if we’re missing and send a check-in text when we don’t log into the meeting. Some people have these things and it comes easy. Some have to work hard to find it. At times, those of us most in need of a village are the ones who find it the most elusive to acquire. There are ways to help shift the state you’re in. But know that a lone island parent can NOT complete everything the parent with a village can do. This will take time and I can’t fit it all in a blog paragraph. (In fact, I’m writing a book on it!) But a few thoughts for finding a village. Look for people who are walking alongside you as you go about your day and tasks. Look for sparks of reciprocity, even if small. If you throw out an offer to carpool to an event, do they offer back any support in any way as well, or are they just draining? Offering help or hosting a play date is like casting a fishing line into the water. Start small and wait for a tug back. (Don’t commit in an ongoing capacity straight off the bat.) If there’s no tug of reciprocity after a while, that fishing line is not beneficial. One-sided friendships are not true friendships.
Ask for help. Hire help. Grandparent, neighbor, spouse, sibling, friend. It can be very difficult for some of us to ask for help. Again, start small. Hiring help is a privilege, I know. If you’re really feeling underwater, it can be a great way to mitigate the overwhelm if it’s within reach.
Try body doubling for difficult tasks. Stuck? Having someone with you can help you push through hard things. It’s like you’re borrowing a little bit of their energy, but it doesn’t drain them. This can be part of how we get through a Wall of Awful, (a great metaphor created by ADHD coach and author, Brendan Mahan. The hyperlink will send you to a helpful video.)
Use Reminders and technology. Set alarms. Ask a friend or partner to remind you of for something important. Keep a wall calendar. During the school year we have a huge dry erase board that we utilize. Have regular check-in meetings with family. Set reminders with Siri, Alexa, etc. Wear a smart watch that reminds you of upcoming tasks. Plan a regular time once (or twice?) a day that you respond to texts and emails that need attention. It could be on your calendar, even.
Work with who you are wired to be, rather than trying to be someone you’re not. Look for ways to support your kids and friends that lean in and breathe life into your strengths, gifting, passions and interests. It comes more naturally if you are embracing the YOU to make it happen, rather than always extending outside of what resonates for you. This could look like trading Chuck-e-Cheese for a park get together, or suggesting a coffee-walk with friends for next time if their evening-in-the-city plan for this time is beyond your capacity.
Self-compassion: we all have different reservoirs from which to draw our energy. We each have different abilities regarding executive function and being a go-getter. You may lean into different strengths than me. That may mean fewer museum trips and more days in, knitting. I am a little more distracted by the tech that’s helping me than some. Perhaps you don’t get as much accomplished that’s obvious to onlookers, but are quite present in the daily moments. That’s important. Your life and parenting doesn’t need to mimic someone else’s and visa versa.
Practice saying, “no.” The more we say no, the more space we have to say yes and follow through with things that matter. If you’d like support with this, I love the book, Boundary Boss, by Terri Cole. It’s written to women but I think men could still appreciate it! FYI the audiobook narration is great.
Schedule rest. Schedule quiet weekends. What replenishes you? Modeling rest and how you care for yourself is PURE GOLD for your kids. Do you want them to grow into adults who ignore themselves all the time for others? Obviously, no. Model rest and recovery. It’s counter-intuitive to getting more done, but Slow Down. Think of it as getting off the hurry hamster wheel, which allows you to be more intentional. I appreciated the reminder from this ADDitude Magazine article on “Hurry Sickness.”
Pace out social obligations. If you have a friend group going out monthly, and you only have time and bandwidth to join in bimonthly, say so and stick to it. No guilt or FOMO! Just communicate the plan so they know what to expect and don’t think you’re brushing them off.
Reframe mistakes. Give yourself grace. Blunders are excellent opportunities~ our children are watching and learning. You can model to them that it’s okay to make mistakes. This lesson for them is a gift. But, you need to believe it. It really is okay to make mistakes. Many of us “former gifted kids” don’t know this. We really do think we need to be perfect. We have to let go, and it’s a daily practice of gently releasing the perfection grip.
I shared some moments when I was in the trenches at the beginning of this blog. Those are moments when I was dog-paddling, keeping my head above water. There have also been seasons when I’m not drowning; I’m dipping my toes gently into the tide pools and breathing in the salty air. That looks different for each of us, but for me, it looks like writing this blog. It looks like taking a phone meeting from my stationary bike yesterday; I got off the call and had hit half my exercise goal for the day. It looks like saying no to things I really can’t do, and saying yes to seeing Monet paintings this weekend. It looks like holding grace and forgiveness for myself when I bellyflop. It’s family night this evening with a puzzle and freshly baked brownies. Playing cards with my daughter earlier today. The trip my family took last month, which was brave and hard and awesome.
Wishing you loads of grace and heaps of hope for the highs and lows, as you find the rhythm of YOUR parenting style, your capacity and your priorities. And then, in a few months, you may find the tides change and a shift occurs. That’s okay, too. We hold our plans loosely and with curiosity for the future.
Don’t forget: your worth is not dependent upon your output. You are amazing, valued and inherently worthy.
~Christina
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