As a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman, I don’t expect to be fully seen or understood in most spaces. My tendencies: over-explaining to bridge the gap in an attempt to be seen. Masking to make the room happy. Hypervigilance to avoid mistakes and, in a sense, to maintain safety. Or, I withdraw; present but quiet.
When we’re misunderstood, dismissed, ignored or disbelieved, it’s not just about the one instance. If you tug on that moment, you’ll find a long shoelace-and-twine string tied to years and years of similar stories trailing behind. A little child who was dismissed, ignored or misunderstood. The kid who was mocked by a gaggle of teens at the skating rink. The little girl who was chastised for being rude when she asked sincere questions. All the times no one listened and understood or fully heard, creating complex layers.
If any of that resonates for you, I want to remind you that your feelings belong to you and they’re valid. Don’t believe anyone’s message that the problem is that you’re too sensitive, overreacting or too self-involved. That would be dismissing your lived experience. Give your feelings space and honor them. But we don’t have to get stuck there. That’s the beauty about honoring and acknowledging tough emotions. They need to be heard and felt and then they can flow through you. When we resist, they persist.
I recently discovered a touchstone that gave me a deeper perspective for these moments as I embrace these emotions. It’s literally a touchstone- a pendant necklace my husband gave me. Encased in silver and bronze is a beautiful, multi-faceted gem. When I say multi-faceted, I mean it has a quilted texture of possibly 20 facets. I can touch them and feel the subtle facet changes against my finger tips. When I look at it, the light highlights one face at a time.
I’ve started realizing that yes, most people don’t fully see me. But, many, many people see and understand a facet or two. And a few people see a good number of facets. I’m learning to embrace and appreciate what they do see. I’m still whole and present whether or not they see. My wholeness, beauty and value are not determined by someone else’s ability or willingness to see me.
Coming back with this full circle to my children, friends and family. When I listen and lean in with curiosity, maybe I can observe another facet of the beauty that defines them, that I was previously overlooking. I love when our own hurts or mishaps can offer us a window into how to be more inclusive, present or kind on this journey.
With Love,
Christina
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