Let’s get down to business on this one because if the title interests you, you’re in no mood for pleasantries or fluff on the subject.
Here’s the most important thing I can share with you. If your child says they’re being bullied, believe them. BELIEVE THEM. The pre-k version of bullying is obvious and easy for adults to intervene. But kids get savvy and start figuring out that the whole bullying thing works a lot better if teachers, parents and adults have no idea what’s going on. In fact, they learn the nuance of being super sweet and smiling at the teacher and then giving just the right little verbal or gestural jab that will get a rise out of their target kid. Often when kids bully they want to gain a social status or power. With that in mind, they will balance bullying with maintaining social status. That can look like keeping a kind and friendly facade to many onlookers except for the kid in their laser beam of bullying focus.
One quick example could be if a kid knows a child is hypersensitive to a certain noise, and so they make that noise without the teacher or other kids noticing. The child gets upset and that gets attention and even admonishment, but no one notices the root cause. Bullying can look like kids who stop their conversation when the targeted child joins the group, or they stop laughing if your child attempts to laugh with them. It can look like kids moving a couple seats over and placing a backpack in the open seat, after your child chooses a chair next to them. It can be an inside joke that they keep bringing up, or dangling that ball just out of reach, or targeting your kid in what is supposedly a friendly game of dodge ball. Each of these are small things, but if it is pervasive and continues from day to day, it becomes a great deal.
And that means, you gotta believe them. Further, neurodivergent kids (and all kids, but especially these) need to learn to trust their gut. When we gaslight them by not believing, downplay or minimize their struggle, or when we ask them to stay in situations where they aren’t comfortable, we are teaching them to ignore their gut and prioritize making other people happy and comfortable. This is a big, potentially chronic problem.
If you have any of your own sensitivities or hurts from bullying experiences, try not to pull those into this equation as it can interfere with the way you react and respond to information. Sometimes, when we feel reactive we want a quick fix to guard against negative experiences. Sometimes the quick fix is to deny or minimize our child’s experience, or even to place blame on our kid. That brings me back to the big theme- believe them. Refrain from blaming them. They don’t deserve to be bullied.
Ok, so you believe them. Next, help your child place a name to these incidents. Let them know this is what bullying looks like. Identifying it for what it is will help your child feel empowered and more confident. Be sure to document incidents. Keep a timeline of what happened and what was said. If there are texts or emails, save a screenshot of them. When bullying is actively occurring, let your child know that acting bored or disinterested with the conversation, and staying with safe friends or near safe adults can help mitigate bullying. Instead of arguing back, try a flatline, “Okay,” and walk away. You could roleplay some of this with your child. Encourage them to continue to tell you anything that happens so that it can be documented.
When kids have a spat, there can be a point, especially when they’re younger, when parents check in with each other. But with bullying, going to parents can significantly escalate the bullying.
If bullying is at a place like school, identify someone in leadership to talk to. Keep in mind that email is legally documented, so make sure if the school creates a safety plan, it’s given to you in a documented way and not just verbally. Communicate occurrences by email so that it is legally documented and timestamped.
If you need to talk about bullying with your child, the book and movie, Wonder, could be a good talking point. In the film, we see how the protagonist, Auggie, is bullied at school. The bulllying is led by one child, Julian. We see how Julian targets Auggie and constantly looks for opportunities to insult, isolate, make Auggie feel unwanted or stupid, and slowly over time works to pull other people in. Julian is a savvy bully- he knows either to wait and bully Auggie when adults are not present, or to keep it to lowkey, micro-bullying that may go under the radar when adults are present. Julian will pick on Auggie in groups of friends, but only with a few kids at a time so he can weigh in on who is receptive to ridiculing Auggie without losing status. It continues to worsen over time. Finally, as other kids take notice and begin to take a stand, this helps alert teachers to what is happening. Unfortunately by that point it has escalated a lot. Towards the end, we also see some written documentation produced, which helps the teachers.
Talking points: 1. Bullying is never okay. No matter what, you don’t deserve to be bullied. It’s never your fault. 2. Bullying grows and thrives when no one takes a stand. 3. Onlookers may not have the whole picture since bullying is often under-the-radar. But, they need to say no. 4. Micro-aggressions are bullying, It’s still bullying when its lots of tiny things instead of getting punched in the face. 5. Documentation is important. Show a text, note or image to your parents or a safe adult. 6. Tell a safe adult. Bullying thrives when adults are unaware. 7. When bullying is happening, get near a safe adult and other safe kids.
Another great book would be The Hundred Dresses, by Eleanor Estes. This is one of my all-time favorite books. It’s lovely for all ages, but could also be especially good for discussing bullying with younger children.
Sending warmth and strength,
Christina
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